The Heart of Jayne
by TheXEnigma
Summary: It hurts to know the one you love is better off without you. A revised oneshot of Rayne angst.


Disclaimer: Firefly/Serenity do not belong to me in any way, shape or form. (unfortunatly...)

A/N: This is my first attempt at Firefly fanfiction so please be kind!!

Tagline: It hurts to know the one you love is better off without you...

Jayne sat slumped on a kitchen chair, empty whiskey bottles at his feet and his head in his hands. Serenity and her crew had long since gone to sleep, all glad to be escaping the chill that had everyone gorram shaking. But Jayne still wouldn't move. No manner of Inara's pleas, Kaylee's puppy eyes or Mal ruttin' orders was makin' a man move wasn't wanting to. So after he'd made it as clear as all sphincter hell they'd got the message. Take their "catch a chill" go se to elsewhere's not near him. He snorted humorlessly as he drained his shot in the quiet dark and poured himself another. And though his mind was being all manner of unhelpful telling him it still wouldn't be enough, his heart was glad. Not that he would've admitted to anyone but hisself he'd got one- but it was in mourning. _Oh baby doll…._

He shook his head to clear a way for the less painful of thinkin' subjects. Anything that let him keep pouring the cheap whiskey that was getting' him right and drunk, cause right now- he knew that when all manner of unpleasantness came to mind, he'd need something to help him from making a gorram fool of hisself. Mal hadn't understood why he was tryin' to kick all his brain cells to hell but again- Mal didn't really get his girl's abilities like he did... _Baby, why did you make me do this…._

He sighed as he once more reached the bottom of the goddam go se of a bottle. He'd already downed 3 bottles of whiskey and 1 of Kaylee's bottles of engine cleaner. But not even the ruttin' swayin' of the deck could tell him it would be enough. Still- he had to do it now, afore he lost his nerve and ended up ruinin' the life of the one thing made Ma Cobb's boy a decent enough man. He was countin' on the facts as she wouldn't be able to read him when he was drunk. But even under the dull roar of the alcohol he at least could feel a small chip of his heart break off. Ironic seein' as how it was the organ he never held to much accord. Yet had always shot first in another man.

He lurched unsteadily down the passage what brought ya' to the infirmary- barely managing to stagger down the common room steps. He groaned as the sudden shift of lighten' lit up his mind sumthin' fierce. Gorram doc just had to leave the brights on… He stood in the shadows of the room and just stared at the door. He knew that the second he stepped into the room she would know something was wrong. No 'mount of drunken haze could shift his baby doll, 'specially when he was concerned. She'd told him once it was on accord of him bein' so "linear" or some such. But he was hopin' that she would be to weak to read his true intentions, why he was doin' this. He had to make her feel like...like he didn't care.

He could feel his legs shaken.' He clenched his eyes shut as his chest constricted on him angrily. Only his girl could turn Jayne Cobb, badass and cold-blooded mercenary into a romantical pussy what was shaken 'most as bad as a new born colt.

_But no…_ What Jayne called the Mal-ish voice in his head finally broke through. Jayne had half been 'spectin' it would.

_No…I conjure you gave up the right to call her yours the second you done decided to do this. Why keep callin' her yours if this is what you really think on as to be best…_

Jayne could feel his knees start to buckle. Even the ruttin' Mal in his head could make him feel worse then ever.

_Tell me Jayne, why you doin' this if it hurts you so much? You ain't been much one for personal injury if you could avoid it…_

Jayne crumpled. His knees hit the metal deck with what he 'magined to be a pretty loud bang. He flinched. His heart started to pound, the reasons for why he was doin' this all rushin' back...

A flash of metal and a merciless shot was all that it had taken. The feel of a tiny cold body leaping in front of him before being driven back into his chest, red blood already beginning to pour from what he could conjure were at least a double shot gun blast. He could still smell the gunpowder and coppery blood that had already started overpowering her usual scent of gorram apples. He could still feel the pressure of her dead weight against his leg as he screamed for Mal or any body in the ruttin' worlds to help him save his own deadly little corner...

And he could still hear her whispers that all would be well because 'her Jayne' was with her, right before she lost consciousness. And stopped breathing. His stomach was clenching in agony, his heart bleeding as hard as her own and every breathe he drew reminded him that it was one more she was not. His arms were still carryin' her lithe little body to the infirmary as for the first time in his life... the crew of Serenity saw him cry. But worst of all, he could still hear his mind's thunderous roars that if she left him it was his own fault.

His. Ruttin'. Fault.

So he'd decided to do the one thing Jayne Cobb swore he'd never do. He was goin' to leave his baby doll- his firebrand- his soul gorramit…He was going break it off and leave her alone even if he had to drink 4 bottles every night just so's that he didn't feel as if he just done tore out his own heart and used it for target practice. Just so's that she wouldn't know that even if she had survived today... his soul hadn't. Because he wouldn't let his baby doll hurt on account of his dumb ass actions. Not like today. And so never again. He would make her think he didn't love her. He'd do what he had to to protect her from the life of a merc which had seen her shot. _Anything to keep you safe baby…even if it means you ain't gonna be mine no more…. _

So he kneeled on that gorram freezing floor and he knew it was time to do what it was he had to do. 'Cause he knew that the instant she heard his piece she would never forgive him, never love him again. And he had to make sure she never would. He had to be the stone cold hundan that she had once told him he used as a shield. He had to be so gorram cruel that she wouldn't guess…wouldn't even think as to maybe- for all the pain she felt- he felt worse. So he staggered once more to his feet and across to the entrance of the infirmary. Jayne faced the bright white light with his best "I-don't-need-a-single-gorram-one-of-you" smirks and but felt his heart send out one last plea, desperate for forgiveness. So as he stood there and said the words that finally broke his heart and soul, he pretended. He prayed to every ruttin' god he could think of to help him do it well enough to trick even his baby doll…_to trick even_ _**the girl**_… into believing it was true. He pretended that even as her bright smile began to falter, and her lip start to tremble that he didn't give a gorram. He pretended that even as her huge brown eyes began to fill and her chest started to heave that he didn't want to reach out and take away the pain that he so desperately wished she didn't have to feel. He pretended as he walked straight-backed towards his bunk that he didn't care her heart monitor had begun to scream, joining into the symphony of her wracking sobs and disjointed begging's for comprehension...

Finally as he climbed down his ladder, the footsteps of Simon echoing through the corridor- he pretended that the hysterical screams of denial weren't met by his own very body. And as he shut the hatch- the silence 'bout drowning him- he pretended one last time. He pretended as his body slipped to lie on the hull that he hadn't just torn apart his very world. He pretended that there was something in the morning that would make him not wanna just curl up and end his life in the quickest and most painful way he knew. He pretended that her desperate, begging, heartbroken and watering eyes weren't being echoed by his own. And as he felt the tears start to run down his cheeks- he pretended that he couldn't still hear his own gorram voice repeating those ruttin words…

"_I ain't yours crazy. You didn't really think I could love someone what was as broken as you did ya'??"_


End file.
